Jon Mcleod
Andrew MacdougallThe Insider: FA launch referee protection scheme
Following the recent spate of coin throwing attacks at football grounds around the country, the FA have announced that referees will be issued with crash helmets for the remainder of the season.
Directives from the FA will require all Premier League officials to wear the protective head gear at all times from entering the vicinity of the stadium to departing.
It is hoped that this new £10 billion initiative could prevent numerous bumps and cuts as a the helmets protect referees from incoming objects and thus preserve their irreproachable decision making ability as well as enhancing their on-field authority.
The FA fear that the economic meltdown and depreciation in the Pound could lead to an avalanche of monetary missiles coming from the crowd as fans opt to hurl money rather than valuable werthers originals.
They stressed the problem is particularly acute as many of their referees are severely folically challenged.
Not only is this depriving them of an invaluable 'cushioning' layer but it is also thought to goad fans into targeting their gleaming white domes - especially with the increasing amount of reflected sunshine during the spring months.
The helmets have been extensively tested at McLaren's secret headquaters with positive results.
Tests involved a number of topflight refeeres, including Mike Riley and Dermot Gallagher, being fired from a cannon through a wind tunnel and into a reinforced concrete wall as reserachers attempted to assertain aerodynamics of the equipment.
The FA were pleased with it's performance and believe the referees will retain their express straight-line speed.
One spokesman, in a thick Glaswegian accent described the tests as "deeply satisfying".
But the Scot, chewing gum with all the elegance of an industrial washing machine, added he would not rest until 100s of referees had been catapulted into walls in order to assertain the true efficacy of the equipment".
Officials will also be given the option of wearing helmets fitted with visors to protect them from players expressing their views with a wet palette and enthusiastic pronounciation.
Though the wind-screen wiping system requires further tests.
The designers have other complications to resolve as the helmet currently block out a noise and allow a limited field of vision but officials are unconcerned about such trivialities.
The FA are considering further requests of quad bikes and stun guns, while controversial referee Stuart Attwell has demanded arm bands and long trousers for the winter season.
Designs available to referees:
*Please note the content of this blog is entire fiction.
