Jon Mcleod
Andrew MacdougallYou're Fired - Southgate takes on Sugar...
In a generic boardroom on the 552nd floor of an undisclosed skyscraper somewhere in central London, Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate takes a seat and awaits his fate and Sir Alan Sugar.
Sir Alan Sugar: Good afternoon Mr Southgate. Take a seat.
Gareth Southgate: Yes, Sir Alan. Thank you Sir Alan.
SAS: Right, lets cut the post-match interview crap. I don’t want to hear about ‘the next game’, ‘must-wins’, ‘battling to the end’, ‘strong spirits’ or whatever else you fob off those parrot journalists with. You all know why you are here. You’re failing Gareth. You’re failing spectacularly.
GS: Yes Sir Alan. I’m so sorry Sir Alan. I…
SAS: Gareth, I have a problem here. I like you. You’re a decent bloke. You’re popular with the players and the pundits. You’re loyal, you’re honest, you’re young and you’re keen to learn. Wonderful! Ain’t that all lovely, ain’t that all sweet. May be after this we can have a kick about in the park, you can bring along the Neville brothers, we can play penalties - ay - and we’ll all eat ice cream?
GS: Yeah. Although, Gary might be having his haircut again and Phil is probably redecorating his house.
SAS: Gareth, I don’t eat ice cream you prick! And the Neville brothers are no more entertaining than the Chuckle brothers. Yes, you’re young but I don’t want potential. I want results…and NOW!
GS: Yes Sir Alan. I am so, so sorry. If you give me another chance, I will do better. But I am only young and I will improve and I… I…
SAS: Yeah ok Southgate stop sniveling…. Oh don’t cry Southgate…. Will someone give him a tissue, its like bleeding Euro 96 all over again in here.
SG: Thanks Margret. (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh) (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh).
SAS: Bleeding hell Southgate. That nose of yours is louder than the QE2. Hang on, is that a bogey on my Armani suit? If only your strikers displayed such power and potency from five yards. No the reason you’re in here is because you’ve made some piss poor acquisitions. You’ve bought badly. You’ve invested in sub-prime stock and we can all see the consequences.
Alfonso Alves – what was tat about? The quality is just no there. You’ve recruited badly – and you have to take responsibility for that.
GS: But..
SAS: No. You’re done talking. I haven’t been able to get a word in at all. Now let’s get down to the numbers. The bottom line. You’re team is the red. You’re two points from safety with six games to go. It is not looking good is it? You’ve got tough games to come and scored just 25 goals this season – the worst of all your competitors. I don’t like your chances.
GS: Yes Sir Alan.
SAS: That is why, with regret, I have to say Southgate you’re fired. Go on piss off. Go make a pizza advert. That nose of yours could with being housed in a brown paper bag for the good of all those Armani suits out there.
* Please not this post is entirey fictious, contains no truth and is the ramblings of a mad man.
